


Famine

by TenSpencerRiedPlease



Series: YouTube AU [9]
Category: Doctor Strange (2016), Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), Iron Man (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Humor, I Don't Even Know, M/M, Random & Short, Youtube AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-05
Updated: 2019-03-05
Packaged: 2019-11-12 13:42:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18012005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TenSpencerRiedPlease/pseuds/TenSpencerRiedPlease
Summary: “That’s dumb, we’re not talking about that,” Peter mumbles.“It was cute,” Tony says, "that you totally called mini Peter your son."





	Famine

“Wong is dead to me,” Stephen says and Peter rolls his eyes.

“He can’t be dead to you, we don’t know how to cook and he’s good,” he tells Stephen. “Also dead to you doesn’t mean dead to the rest of us. I still like Wong. Please come back from Nepal,” he says to the camera, almost pleading really.

Tony sighs. “We ran out of food three days ago and I feel like we’re living in a Mad Max dystopia type world where Stephen is Immortan Joe except instead of withholding water from us he tries to feed us his cooking as torture.”

Stephen gives him an offended look but he shouldn’t. Tony has never met a steak he won’t eat, he doesn’t even care if its shitty its good enough for him. Unless Stephen is the one who cooked it, then he’d rather risk chewing on a lion’s ass for sustenance.

“God, it _is_  a dystopia over here. Wong, if you’re watching, please save us from Stephen and his attempts to cook,” Peter says, looking upset.

*

“That’s dumb, we’re not talking about that,” Peter mumbles.

“It was cute,” Tony says.

“No it wasn’t, but your discomfort with the subject is enough for me to remain interested,” Stephen tells him.

Peter gives him a dirty look, “oh fuck off, man. Why are you like this?”

Stephen shrugs delicately, “I’m sure I have no idea what you mean,” he says, nose in the air.

“Do so. But the point here is that you totally called mini Peter your son and that’s adorable,” Tony says.

“When did this even happen?” Stephen asks and honestly only he could live under a rock so much that he missed the entire social media frenzy about it. Buzzfeed wrote like five articles and Tony has to commend the company for managing to squeeze that much content out of a single line Peter said.

Tony looks over to Peter and he rolls his eyes, clearly annoyed but he goes with it. Probably because he’s mostly only fake annoyed. “I was doing an interview and the guy was a dick and he went to say some asshole shit about Peter, of the mini variety, so I uh...” he trails off and Tony rolls his eyes.

Of course he stops _there_. “So he snapped at the guy and told him not to talk about his son like that,” Tony says. “Which is the cutest shit I’ve ever seen.”

Stephen squints, “why do you like children and parent child bonds so much when you had horrible parents?” he asks. Peter smacks him for being an insensitive prick but Stephen ignores it, giving him a dirty look before turning back to Tony. “I’m just saying, children are messy, vial little beasts who scream and are more trouble than they’re worth. Especially with those insane disease spreading  _soccer moms_  who think their two hour YouTube search makes them more of an expert on vaccines than _doctors_  and if you _insist_  on turning your child into a biological weapon of warfare you keep that thing far away from society or vaccinate it,” he says, arms crossed in anger.

They pause for a beat and Tony sighs. “Children are not vial little beasts Stephen, they’re just little people.”

“No, little people have dwarfism. Children are the modern day _rats_.”

“That’s not fair to the kids Stephen, their parents are the rats, the kids are just the carriers,” Peter says.

Tony squints at him, “ _that’s_  the problem you found with that statement?”

Stephen considers him for a moment and sighs. “Fine, children aren’t the worst. That goes to idiot adults with no medical degrees and such a flimsy understanding of science that I’m surprised they aren’t flat earthers too.”

“Oh for gods _sake_  how can anyone in this century be so fucking stupid! We have _pictures_  of the _earth_  from _space_! What more evidence do you need? And these morons, talking about how you can’t see the curve just looking at the earth- do you know how _big_  this god damn planet is? Of course you can’t see the fucking curve-”

Peter cuts him off before he gets going, which might be for the best. “Yeah, can’t believe I’m saying this but uh. Back to me calling mini Peter my son,” he says somewhat awkwardly. “Before you two go off and bring up science shit only you and three other people know about.”

Tony opens his mouth to dispute that, considers, and then sighs. “Okay yeah, academia is a small world. There are definitely fields of study where its only five people yelling at each other. Anyway, children are _not_  modern day rats that’s dehumanizing, flat earthers need to be shot to also round Mars, and Peter. Explain why you called other Peter your son. Because I’m curious.”

“I’m not,” Stephen says.

“Well no one asked your opinion,” Tony mumbles.

“I’m a third of this show so yes actually, you did. And children are absolutely modern day rats. Except the rats might actually be cleaner. We’ve seen the video of that rat showering and it probably scrubs better than any child washing their hands,” he says, nose wrinkled.

“I can see how much you want to dispute that but Tony you were a kid, I was a kid, Stephen was also a kid but probably a weirdly clean one- we all know how fucking gross we were. I don’t think I washed my hands after going to the bathroom till I was like seventeen,” he says and Stephen wrinkles his nose so hard his entire face wrinkles up as he leans heavily into Tony.

“I lied, its not children spreading disease like vermin, its people like you,” he says.

Peter rolls his eyes, “I obviously figured out washing my hands,” he says. “You’re being dramatic.”

Tony shakes his head, “oh he so isn’t. That’s disgusting, shit fingers.”

Stephen snorts and tries to avoid laughing but mostly fails at it. Peter squints, “dude, if I got actual ass shit on my hands obviously I washed them, I wasn’t out there with skid marks on my palms, Jesus.”

“Okay shit fingers,” Stephen says, causing him and Tony to start laughing.

“You know what, fuck you guys I’m going my son figure after this because he’s better than you two,” Peter mumbles.

“He won’t return your calls once he knows you’re obviously one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Hello, pestilence,” Stephen says.

“Oh give me a break, that’s total bullshit. Okay, you know what,” Peter says after a slight pause. “No, I _will_  be pestilence and Stephen can be war because he can’t ever keep his god damn gate shut and has to start something about anything and he’s damn dramatic out of it too. Only war would consider _haunting_  his roommate out of an apartment instead of moving like a normal person,” he says, nose in the air.

“What’s that make Tony then? Wouldn’t _he_  be war?” Stephen asks and Tony rolls his eyes.

“No dipstick, I’d be death. You know, like the Merchant of Death,” he says, reminding Stephen of his past nickname. Absolutely not a point in his life that he’s proud of.

Stephen frowns. “Who’s famine?”

“Wong, because he left us here with your shit cooking, which you’re clearly using to try and starve us into war,” Peter tells him.

God, Tony didn’t think he’d ever find one person more dramatic than him let alone too. How does Rhodey deal with them all in a room? How does _Pepper_? “Peter Parker being your son,” Tony reminds them all, wrangling. Damn this is a wayward episode.

Peter sighs, “what? I like him. I don’t see why that needs further explanation.”

“I like Stephen, doesn’t mean I see him as my son,” Tony points out.

“I wouldn’t mind if you were my daddy,” Stephen has the _gall_  to say with a straight face. Tony doesn’t even respond, he picks himself up and leaves the room without a word. “What was _that_  for?” Stephen asks Peter.

“You brought up daddy kink to someone with daddy issues? The hell is wrong with you?” Peter asks.

“And here I thought the two of you wanted father figures,” Stephen says. “I’m also happy to play the role of daddy too,” he adds.

Poor Peter, he makes a gagging noise and flees the scene immediately. Stephen sits perched on the couch looking pleased with himself because he’s a bastard.

*

Tony sits in Peter’s lap with a back scratcher pointed at Stephen to keep him on the other end of the couch where he belongs. “We’ve decided,” Peter says, “that without Wong you’re not worth it. You try and kill us with food, you’re mean, and you brought up daddy kink. Actually, I think we’re just going to replace you with Wong.”

“He’s nice, and he knows how to cook, and he doesn’t bring up daddy kink,” Tony says. “All the things we need out of a person. And he’s funny,” he adds.

Stephen rolls his eyes. “You two are not ditching me for _Wong_ ,” he says, rolling his eyes.

Peter and Tony exchange a look. “Actually yeah, we are. We like Wong better.”

“Also, Wong isn’t disgustingly dirty. You think Peter is pestilence with _your_  dirty ass habits? Fat chance,” Tony tells him. God they had no idea how much Wong did for them. The man is a blessing from a god Tony doesn’t even believe in.

“Hey, yeah, side note. When the hell did Wong move in with us?” Peter asks.

“Who cares, we’ve never encountered wet dirty underwear on a pillow until now  so we should just count Wong as a blessing,” Tony says.

“If you’re implying that I wet myself I most certainly did _not_ ,” Stephen says, irritated.

“Since you had just showered I assumed that wasn't the case, given that the whole bathroom turns into fucking _water world_  whenever you’re in there. But thanks for that not at all reassuring statement, Stephen.”

“I didn’t know he managed to get water on the _ceiling_  until now. Wong, please come back,” Peter pleads.

*

Gamora frowns, “you just _left_  the guy there?” she asks.

“Look Gamora, he brought up daddy kink. He did this to himself,” Peter points out. “Plus the shoot isn’t that extensive. Couple days, he can suffer for that long.” Shorts aren’t that hard and he’s not even out of the city even if he totally didn't get permission to film in Central Park so he’s going to have to watch for cops and shit. But that seemed like work and its like, a two minute scene. They can do that fast probably. Like, not with lighting but whatever. Rocket can make it work in post.

“Where’s Tony?” she asks, predicting correctly that Tony’s also out of town.

“I think he went to Nepal to go get Wong back.” Peter hopes he succeeds because he is a _savior_  in the dark and they haven’t been giving him enough credit. Or any credit, and that’s terrible. Wong needs to know that fifty percent of their love for Stephen was actually for him.

Gamora rolls her eyes. “I don’t get you three,” she mumbles.

**Author's Note:**

> [My writing Tumblr](https://tenspencerriedplease.tumblr.com/)


End file.
